Last circle held.
Accounts and credit cards closed.
Financial details for final collaborative circle venture settled, paid.
All this seems so mundane, small…
…why is my visceral experience so intensely freeing?
I have often been asked what is entailed in holding the affiliate license in the Women Writing for (a) Change motherline. I answered it variously, depending upon context, felt-direction of inquiry, my own personal healing journey. It begins as creative director kinds of things—vision, gathering, learning-in-community, encouragement, imagination, surprise. Gifts of mine, things I love. Once the community has begun to form, it takes on an additional role of administrator, web-site designer, bookkeeper, marketing director, co-participant…all while refining the other pieces. Once you’ve moved through a leadership training, the journey continues with relinquishment of some things amidst sustenance of others. Grandmothering the ‘new mothers’—to use the images in this particular community, though one could argue for others that might not have such emotional charge—celebrating their differentiation and refinement of gifts in circle-leadership. Administration becomes more of the functional task work that everyone sees (or not), but there are echoes of creative-director things in sustaining the original vision, living into the cooperative-ethic of circle, conflict resolution amidst collaboration, with sometimes simple decision-making with the best heart and guess one can. This is a glimpse of my own affiliate journey, though it’s different for each affiliate sister. Each location calls forth different things and each sister brings forth different gifts.
Now, with closing accounts and finalizing last details in becoming formally UN-affiliated (while still certified, in right relationship with the mother school), I’m aware of the energetic costs one cannot sense until they are no longer yours to carry. I’m amazed I carried the energetic load as long as I did, to be honest.
At first, the affiliate path was one of liberation and exploration for me. I’d never considered becoming a ‘small social purpose business’ owner, ever. I learned I am more creator-innovator-professor than businesswoman. Big surprise :). Ten years later, I can see more fully how the role was a perfect one for my less mature Helper-Self to grow into a healthier version. I now see more of the costly dead-ends in the “If I hold this space for you, you’ll love me…I’ll finally belong” mode I lived in for so very long. And loved. Don’t misunderstand… Utter gratitude and blessing for this journey.
But today, for the first time since late 2013, I have the visceral sensation of not holding space for anyone, except in short-term, present-moment situations, suited to my charisms and the invitation of the moment. I can be responsive, but no longer feel so responsible.
…which is one of the challenges in the motherline imagery that is utterly sacrosanct within WWfaC. Unless you name men who have mothered you—which blessedly I can—this language imprisons women within false senses of responsibility-for that our culture imposes… Gift/shadow, both.
Brings the blessing of song to mind. (Or lyrics, if you’d rather).