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Day 77: Growth Unchosen...Impossible to Unsee

Updated: Dec 24, 2023

Sometimes we grow up in ways we were not expecting, which then urges discernments "unchosen" somehow. The signs of this journey are fairly easy to spot for me—sleeplessness, cyclical worries, persistent emotional circles that distract, wasted energy. Persons who had been easy companions now become “problematic” in some way. It’s easy to imagine “it’s them” or “something out there” when in actuality, I’m probably the one who has changed.

So…waking up in the middle of the night, I now see: I’m shifting my CrossFit community, practice. It feels inevitable even as I am sad. CrossFit Dedication has been my body-haven for nearly four years. Its community revolutionized my life—fitness, courage, body-image, nutrition, fun, adventures... I love my box.

I’ve also been around it long enough to know: energies in classes change over time. People come in, people move on. My regular class has changed over the years, bothering me little. Others did ask if I noticed the changes, but I just kept showing up to get fitter, which I have.

So what is it about this season of change that has shifted me so, easing me outward…?

For my part, I’ve really changed over these four years, with respect to my body, comfort with movement and new challenges. I never imagined being as free as I am in my body, made possible because of this cadre of CrossFitters and my tenacity. The 8 o’clock class in particular seems to draw a feminine energy with more women and emotionally expressive men, probably because of its timing in the day. That was crucial for me at first, but is no longer. It may even be a part of the recent past from which I’m seeking release. I need affirmation much less.

Some changes are post-covid things. There’s much less communal circling kind of ‘gathering’ in which we used to be silly, get to know one another before the workout began. There’s no longer any Community Workout, with few partner WODs. We’re well conditioned now to just see the whiteboard, choose a square, get what we need, dive in. Many (perhaps more?) of us prefer that, actually. For me, though, a professor whose job is highly solitary, the community ethos we crafted together was crucial. The reason I kept showing up, actually. Much more technically-focused coaching has been a gift AND that's less important for me.

It's also not insignificant—if not determinative—that 8 o’clock has a persistent unhappy, even rude presence, at least to me. I’ve done what could to address or inquire, but it’s not mattered. I find this person a joy-kill and the cliquishness she brings in drags me (us?) down. We no longer cheer one another on like we used to...

I’ve resisted seeing it for weeks…but my invitation is to move into spaces that will welcome me, lift me up. Both Bombers and Centerville CrossFit classes I’ve tried this week have.

Gentle I go…transitioning to twice/week, afternoon/evening classes that do welcome. Exploring my options.

Growing up.

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