Day 80: I am What I am...and...
I sit tonight at a familiar intersection—who I wish myself to be, and who I actually am. I know this intersection when there is a resistance in me to a part of myself that is yet inevitable. Why resist? Good question. Lots of answers. Often, it is the independent woman (who needs no one) arm-wrestling the relational-connector (who yearns for everyone to be connected, for herself to be welcomed, seen). As Brian texted to me earlier today, “I am what I am.” Which for me often means resisting my feeling-self.
I wasn’t certain I was going to CrossFit today. I’d had a day yesterday of incredibly high strain—reorganizing the storage unit, post pandemic, post home-renovations—and my body was weary. I felt better and better as the day went on, physically. Looser and easier in movement. By early afternoon, I realized it felt inviting. A bit of social contact felt like it would be good for me, mentally. I’d had a good coffee-chat with a friend this morning, but it is much quieter when Brian is on pilgrimage. I decided on the 4 o’clock class. A dear friend would be there, and I’d been meaning to give her the hand-in-paw bracelet I’d actually obtained a long time ago, knowing her dogs were aging. (Another gym-friend had lost a dog, so we’d come together to give her a bracelet. I ordered one to have on hand, with her in mind).
The ’usual suspects’ were there for the class, and the atmosphere was friendly, teasing, easy. I scaled the workout to safe-guard my lower back from all the lifting yesterday. Afterwards, I cleaned off my equipment, watching the others tending to whatever they wanted to—chatting with others, logging their results, resting on the floor, welcoming the next class folks into the building. Communal.
As I drove home, I felt normal again, after a CrossFit workout. I’ve not felt normal for a couple weeks, months?, being in the other rhythm of 8 o’clock. What’s that about? No idea…But today was precisely what my bodysoul needed…movement, easing, community, a sense of welcome and belonging. All that (for whatever reason) has not felt active or present in the earlier rhythm/class.
So I drove home, feeling both relieved to sense a normal CFD welcome again AND chastising myself a bit inside with “it shouldn’t matter.” The accusatory voice says, in a stern tone, “You are going there to workout; the personal dynamics should not matter!” But the reality of it is, I go to CrossFit for fitness in community. My job is solitary. I need to feel welcome, like I belong, though I often wish I didn’t need to.
Fear accuses me of selfishness, a narcissism in needing to be seen. Bodysoul celebrates that the woman I’ve become knows she needs to be in community to be at her best in her body. The wisdom of CrossFit is this interdependence—fitness, community. Which means it involves as much shadow as light. Blessed be.