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Projection is a Curious Thing...

Mostly, it seems to allow me to place onto another (often whom I love) all those things restless or fearful within myself.

For instance, I have felt a lot more irritation with Brian in these late October days. His lack of embodiment. His inability to be in the world without a screen, usually his iPad but sometimes the TV. His refusals to feel, or even experiment with feelings, with me. His focus on work, duty, obligation over relationship, connection, presence. His assumption that watching TV together equals intimacy. His theological stance that defends this way of being in the world…by which I mean: beliefs in the utter sinfulness of humanity, Grace comes only in the eschaton or "Godde’s Grace is for others but not for me," better not to look for or expect the Good when the world is fallen, blah blah blah. With this stance, no human being really needs to risk or try for…anything.

The neat thing about this arrangement, this focus on him, is I get to feel separate and safe from losing all the things I’ve feared most, or I’ve disliked most, within my own freedom-journey. Clever, eh?

My scraping for decades to become more fully embodied after decades in a family lineage long-religiously-dissociated from our bodies, the earth. My experiencing the world as alive, mysterious, wondrous without technology or distraction, when I live in a consumerist, social-media-distracted world. Feeling deeply within myself, and with others, instead of repressing or ignoring my gifted-depth of sensation, feeling. Focusing on creative renewal and the courage to be innovative, foolish, inspired within all of which I feel most intimate, connected. Sinking into a theological stance of utter Grace, abundant mercy, forgiveness that frees and empowers, Love. Ultimately, seeing the world around me as sentient, interconnected, deeply intimate. At root is a deep fear that all this I’ve learned, received, “worked so hard for…” will evaporate or be lost…

My focus on him is a function of my own fear, in other words.

I am terribly afraid of losing all that I’ve come to know, to feel, in today’s tumult and seemingly inhumane challenges. I’m the one who loves being in her body so much so now that I fear losing this newfound ability. I’m the one who allows herself to be distracted by technology, often resulting in feeling distanced from my own earth–body and land. I’m the one who pushes away my own deep feeling, habitually fearful and distrustful of it and wanting to blame others. I’m the one who has internalized this dissociative, presuming-sinful theological stance just as much as I’m the one who can let it go, who can choose Grace beyond (but honoring) the past.

So let it be, for my sake, but also for the sake of those I love dearly.

So let Love flow to Brian for his own journey, connected and so different from my own.

So let us learn to pull the projections home, to be welcomed, befriended, eased as the direct sacred experience they are.

So let it be.

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