As I said in a at-least-temporarily-final Facebook post: this time was I was prepared and not surprised. About ten days before the Election, my body knew. I resisted knowing, of course, but my body knew the country would make this choice, these choices. [Ask me if you’re interested in the sensate experience of knowing; not germane to this post.]
I came home from all my Election Protection shifts, poured a hot lavender bath, then curled up with Hillary Clinton’s new book–Something Lost, Something Gained. I’m not a huge fan of Hillary’s elitism and social-location(s), but I wanted to be in her voice when our country made the same choice at the expense of so much, pushing those of us who did not want to refuse Kamala Harris into a deep dismay, grief, sense of betrayal, fear, even terror.
This is a distinctive that cannot be presumed as what human bodies may otherwise have in common. Republicans often say, “Well, we experienced it when Biden won,” which I argue is a false equanimity. Your body was not man-handled and abused, in actuality or in rhetoric. Your right to simply exist was not threatened, even if your economic choices appeared to be. (The irony being that the economics of the working class, of small businesses, were actually a proven commitment in Biden’s work, misunderstood and misperceived).
Republican grief is largely masculinized, white and refused for projection onto the marginalized, the powerless, the ‘other.’ And yes, we saw this refused-grief coming out as white male rage, violence at the Capitol, refusal of shared reality and fair elections with the Big Lie. What I’m learning about those who are grieving this time is their deep body-wisdom, a willingness to do the work to grieve, to allow the suffering to be felt, A shared awareness that it is time to come together peacefully, to lament and mourn, to gather to know we are not alone. And yes, to prepare to be the best loving presences we can be. To organize for what and who we value. To live with integrity for the least, the last and the lost.
So my retraction into the Silence will continue, awaiting for instructions in how my gifts may weave into a peaceable wisdom stronger than fear, gentler than power-over defensiveness, more persistent than the shallow hatreds and cruelty that are rising.
That said, I have allowed myself a venting-raging post, shared with two white Evangelical men--one I hope will grow from it (probably never having heard much of it in his insular worlds) and the other I know could at least receive it. I have joined The Practice Ground of the Embodiment Institute, breathing into their post-election call that was offered to me/us. I have downloaded Babbel so to learn Spanish, 15-minutes a day, in case I can be useful for those who may need my privilege to simply survive and whom I need simply to regain my own humanity. And I continue to listen to the sources of Wisdom that find me: feminine presence, Zen practice-wisdom, breathwork and walks in the woods with friends.
Where do I find shared-reciprocity in these days, and how do I limit my participation in institutions and organizations where shared reciprocity is assumed but not actually, viscerally, practiced?
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